By: Resibo Republic Editorial Team
Date: July 12, 2025
TAGUIG CITY — It was a night of glitz, graft, and glamour as the country’s elite gathered at the Venetian Budget Ballroom (funded by a “cultural resilience” insertion) for the soft launch of the government’s latest nation-branding campaign: Step Up Philippines!
Red Carpet Highlights
The red carpet — rumored to cost ₱89 million and stretch from Bonifacio Global City to Malacañang — was lined with budget analysts crying silently behind their calculators.
Velda Shellcraft arrived in a golden palanquin carried by unpaid interns from a government scholarship program. Draped in a ternó made entirely of recycled SALNs, she smiled and declared:
“We don’t just raise heels… we raise hopes.”
Beside her, Matti Pawmaldezz looked sharp in a limited-edition tuxedo made from shredded Commission on Audit reports. When asked what the gala would achieve, he responded:
“Economic upliftment, one Louboutin at a time.”
The Program: A Night of Sole-ful Speeches
Hosted by Toni Gonzaga, the night featured powerful speeches, interpretative budget dances, and the grand unveiling of the “Shoe of the Nation” — a 12-foot crystal stiletto filled with confidential allocations.
Key segments included:
- The Step Forward Awards
- Best Budget Disappearance: To a senator who “forgot” ₱3B in a single line item
- Most Inspirational Footwear: Velda’s EDSA-era pumps, still perfectly intact (unlike our institutions)
- Walk of Shame Runway Show
- Politicians catwalked with billboards of their alleged scams — clapped along by the audience as “Walang Resibo, Walang Problema” played
- The National Footprint Dance
- A performance piece depicting how taxpayer money “steps lightly” across agencies, and mysteriously vanishes at every turn
Campaign Slogans Released
The official Step Up Philippines! slogans are reportedly being plastered across billboards, rice sacks, and textbooks:
- “In every heel, a hidden fund.”
- “Sama-sama tayong aapak sa kinabukasan.”
- “Step up, not step down — kahit may resibo pa ‘yan.”
- “Leave no footprint… especially on the audit trail.”
Public Reaction
Netizens were quick to react. Some highlights:
“Kailangan pa ba ng step up, eh nilubog na tayo?” – @ResiboQueen
“Shoe of the Nation ba o Shoe of the Damnation?” – @AuditOrNothing
“This is why we can’t have nice things… but we can have ₱400M red carpets, apparently.” – @JuanTheTaxpayer
Closing Remarks
As fireworks (₱15M worth, charged under ‘Cultural Rehabilitation’) lit the sky, Velda waved regally and said:
“This is not just fashion. This is fiscal policy.”
Matti nodded, adjusting his cufflinks shaped like vault doors, and whispered:
“We’re just getting started.”
👠 Got a heel to expose?
Send us your best satire tips or real resibo sightings at resibo@resiborepublic.com. Tag your outrage: #StepUpPH #Shoeconomy #ResiboRepublic