An Investigative Satire into the Final Budget Magic Trick
Published in: Satirical News | By: Otso-Otso Balumbon, Bureau of Budgeted Shenanigans
🍜 The Mystery of the Final Ladle
In the swirling cauldron of the Resibo Republic’s 2025 national budget, a final, silent scoop is always taken when no one’s looking. They call it the Last Insert—the mystical, unexplained item that quietly appears between “Bridges to Nowhere” and “Unprogrammed Funds for National Good Vibes.”
It’s not found in committee reports.
It’s not found in COA audit trails.
But it always finds its way into someone’s pocketbook.
So we ask: who gets the Last Insert?
👸 Sardina Lutra – The Taho Heiress of Rapid Spending
Sardina Lutra, the Resibo Republic’s Secretary of School Shenanigans and Vice Regal Budget Harvester, made history by spending ₱150M in 11 days through a confidential educational fund.
Some say the money went to “intelligence operations.”
Others say it went to “hydration strategies” involving oversized taho.
But Sardi simply smiled and said,
“The children are learning… to be quiet.”
Her team submitted receipts with names like “Kokoy,” “Bebot,” and “Alias Unknown,” all written in the same gel pen.
If efficiency in vaporizing taxpayer money is the metric, Sardina deserves more than just the Last Insert—she deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award in Liquidation Theater.
👑 Matti Pawmaldezz – Insert King of Balay Billion
Matti doesn’t deal in coins. He deals in kingdom-sized allocations with no specific destination.
₱241 billion in insertions?
More than the annual budget of three Southeast Asian countries combined.
He calls them:
“Necessary Adjustments for National Smoothness.”
Others call them:
“Insertions so big, even Google Sheets crashes.”
But when asked to name projects linked to those billions, Matti simply adjusted his tie and whispered,
“Just trust me, bes.”
And who wouldn’t? After all, he inserted himself from Majority Leader to Potential Prime Minister faster than Snarli can open a taho stall.
🪑 Bumbum Mermakmak – The Approver-in-Chief
While Sardina vanishes funds and Matti multiplies them, Bumbum plays the ultimate power move:
He approves everything.
He doesn’t draft, he doesn’t amend, he simply signs… in cursive.
While others juggle spreadsheets, he’s hosting ribbon cuttings in Tokyo or shopping for “economic rice diplomacy.”
When asked about the ₱241B insertions, he said:
“I don’t micro… you know, micromanage the small stuff.”
And when asked about Sardina’s ₱650M disappearance?
[Scene cuts to airplane cabin noise]
“I’m boarding, sorry.”
🤫 The Last Insert Happens When the Nation Blinks
Here’s the twist: the Last Insert doesn’t belong to a person.
It belongs to a moment.
A late-night session.
A hurried bicam meeting.
A “miscellaneous” line item typed in Wingdings.
That’s when it slips in—like a ninja in Gucci slippers.
Line 491-A: “Special Assistance for Strategic Adaptive Recovery Through Moral Incentives” — ₱3.7B
No one knows what it means.
No one dares to ask.
But it’s there.
And when you trace the paper trail, all paths lead to a locked cabinet labeled:
“Confidential, Stop Asking.”
🧾 So Who Gets It?
In a Republic where receipts disappear, budgets expand, and nobody resigns, the Last Insert goes to the one who:
- Looks the busiest
- Talks the vaguest
- And files the cleanest liquidation report… full of typographical errors.
The Last Insert is the reward for elite budget gymnastics, a gold medal in the Olympic sport of Publicly Funded Vanishing Acts.
đź’¬ Comment Section
Juana de Lata: “May I request Last Insert for our barangay gym renovation-slash-gaming hub?”
Mang Budgetaryo: “Pwede po bang magpa-picture with the Last Insert? O confidential din yan?”
@insert.mona: “Ako na lang po maglalast insert sa puso niyo.”