A Peek into the ₱5.768 Trillion Circus Known as Governance
🎥 Produced by: Resibo Republic Studios
🎤 Narrated by: Imeldita Shellshell (posthumously, via luxury séance)
📍 Filmed on location in Malacañang, Divisoria, and a suspicious bodega in Cebu
🎭 Scene 1: Welcome to the Trillions
[Narrator: Imeldita Shellshell]
“In my day, we only needed shoe boxes to stash secrets. Now? You need entire line items.”
The camera zooms in on a suspicious stack of binders marked:
“Confidential: Insertions Not for Public Use.”
A sleepy-eyed Bumbum Mermakmak sits at his desk, flipping through the budget like it’s a menu.
“Hmm… ₱50B for Confidential Funds… add to cart. ₱200B for Unspecified Expenses… proceed to checkout.”
🧩 Scene 2: The Committee of Confusion
Enter Marty Pawmaldezz, the Budget Whisperer of the Lower House, wearing a Barong™️ by Balenciaga and a smile that says, “What blank pages?”
Behind closed doors, he hosts a “technical working brunch”, serving croissants with side helpings of insertions.
Bureaucrat 1: “Sir, this page has no details.”
Marty: “Exactly. That’s the beauty. It’s a choose-your-own-adventure.”
Bureaucrat 2: “Who gets to choose?”
Marty: “Me.”
Cue dramatic budget tango music.
🏍️ Scene 3: Enter the Vice Queen
Snarli Lutra, Vice Queen and former darling of the UniTeam, crashes the party on a motorcycle, holding her signature taho.
She squints at the budget draft.
Snarli: “Where’s the allocation for local schools in Davao?”
Marty: “Somewhere between page 732 and Narnia.”
Snarli: “I will spill this taho.”
Tension. Silence. Slurping.
🎙️ Scene 4: Testimonies from the Shadows
[Cut to talking heads, pixelated and voice-altered]
🕵️♂️ Anonymous Official A:
“They told me to sign, so I signed. Then I realized I approved ₱20B for ‘strategic silence initiatives.’”
💼 Whistleblower B:
“Marty asked for a ‘ghost bridge’ in a barangay that has no river. I thought it was symbolic.”
💸 Finance Staff C:
“We kept asking for clarification. All we got were emojis in the margins—mostly winking faces and dollar signs.”
👑 Scene 5: The Queen Mother Weighs In
In a golden-lit archival clip, Imeldita Shellshell appears in a vision beside the Presidential seal.
Shellshell:
“This budget is not messy—it’s abstract art. But remember, darling, always hide your spending in plain sight. Preferably in infrastructure, or floral centerpieces.”
⚖️ Scene 6: Budget Hearing or Improv Show?
In the Senate, a fiery Lutsina Seasnatch grills the team.
Lutsina: “Where did the ₱241B go?”
Marty: “Which one?”
Lutsina: “EXACTLY.”
Gavel slams. Audience claps. One senator falls asleep.
📦 Scene 7: Closing Montage
🎞️ Fast cuts of:
- Boxes being wheeled into warehouses
- Politicians cutting ribbons in places that don’t exist on Waze
- Marty high-fiving Bumbum
- Snarli riding into the sunset… alone
🧾 Credits Roll
Starring:
- Bumbum Mermakmak as The Approver
- Marty Pawmaldezz as The Illusionist
- Snarli Lutra as The Disenchanted Heiress
- Lutsina Seasnatch as The Budget Slayer
- Imeldita Shellshell as The Eternal Narrator
🎵 Music by: Conflicts of Interest Orchestra
🍿 Sponsored by: Taxpayer Tears™
💀 Posthumous Commentary: Recorded Live from the Shellshell Vault
📌 Coming Soon to ResiboRepublic.com:
- “Budget Wars: The Insertions Saga”
- “Confidential Fund Chronicles: The Taho Files”
- “Snarli vs. Marty: The Insert Sheet Showdown”
🦦 Stay tuned for more episodes from the Resibo Republic, where satire is reality and receipts are always welcome.