By the Resibo Republic Satire Desk
It began with a single sneeze.
Inside the velvet-lined “Executive Recovery Suite” of the Golden Palace Clinic, President Bumbum Mermakmak lay in full theatrical glory. Thermometer in mouth, Vicks on chest, and a cold compress balanced on his forehead like a crown.
A nation held its breath.
🤧 “I’m sick… of scrutiny!”
First Lady Lutsina Seasnatch barged in wearing a custom Dior hazmat suit.
LUTSINA:
“Bumbum, you sneezed once and declared a national emergency!”
BUMBUM (whispering dramatically):
“It’s stress-induced. Too many budget hearings… too many questions from Senator Mira’s ghost…”
At that moment, the double doors burst open.
💎 Enter: Velda Shellcraft (with matching stethoscope)
Draped in fur-lined hospital couture, Velda Shellcraft arrived with a private nurse team and a gold oxygen tank.
Velda:
“I once fainted after seeing a tax return. This is nothing. Get up.”
She promptly collapsed on a chaise lounge she had flown in by chopper ten minutes earlier.
Imee Mermakmak strolled in with iced coffee.
IMEE:
*“He’s just skipping the Senate. He’s been binge-watching K-dramas with me all week. He even cried at Episode 9 of ‘Descendants of the Pork’.”
👻 The Ghost of Accountability Appears
Thunder cracked. The lights flickered. The room temperature dropped 3 degrees.
A spectral figure floated in—gavel in hand, neon robes aglow.
MIRA THE RESURRECTED, legendary senator-turned-afterlife-budget auditor, had arrived.
MIRA:
“What is this? A hospital or a telenovela set?”
Everyone froze. Even the monitors flatlined from the tension.
BUMBUM:
“Tita Mira! I’m really sick!”
MIRA:
“Of what? Transparency?”
She hurled a ghostly folder of unliquidated insertions across the room. It hit the IV drip.
LUTSINA:
“Ma’am! This is a sterile space. Your ectoplasm is not DOH-approved!”
🎭 More Melodrama, Less Medicine
Velda revived herself.
VELDA:
“When I had pneumonia in ‘79, I still hosted a dinner with seven dictators and launched a shoe line!”
IMEE (scrolling TikTok):
*“This whole flu thing is so last week. Let’s do a TikTok dance: #SickOfTheSystemChallenge.”
BUMBUM:
“I just want peace and ginger tea.”
🎬 Final Scene: The Sick Summit
The curtains closed with Bumbum coughing softly.
Lutsina dabs his forehead with a ₱1,000 bill.
Imee starts filming.
Velda does her makeup.
Mira vanishes, muttering about ghost senators and pork barrel purgatory.
LUTSINA (to camera):
“Next time he fakes being sick, I’m sending him to PGH.”
🧻 Coming Soon on ResiboRepublic.com:
“BBM Gets Better… and Builds a Wellness Island?”
Stay tuned for Part 2 of Clinic Confidential: The Mermakmak Medical Files.
Because in the Resibo Republic, even a sniffle needs a special budget.