Wellness, Wealth, and Wacky Prescriptions
By the Resibo Republic Satire Desk
After three days of dramatic sneezing, spoon-fed calamansi juice, and watching 18 episodes of Descendants of the Pork, Bumbum Mermakmak has miraculously recovered. Or at least, that’s what the Palace Wellness Bulletin claims—signed, of course, by First Lady Lutsina Seasnatch in rose gold ink.
The press was summoned for a recovery statement.
BUMBUM (beaming, not even a cough):
“I feel stronger than ever. The flu gave me clarity. A vision. I must build… a Presidential Wellness Island!”
🏝️ Introducing: The BBM Balik-Alindog Island Retreat
According to leaked documents (accidentally posted by Imee on her travel blog), the island resort will feature:
- A Budget Sauna, where politicians sweat out pork allocations
- Imeldita Shellshell’s Eternal Youth Spa, offering diamond-infused facials and ghost-repellent steam
- Snarli Lutra’s Rage Room, where guests can smash Senate resolutions with a hammer
- Marty Pawmaldezz’s Financial Yoga, where you stretch the budget without breaking it
- And a 24/7 K-Drama Healing Lounge, curated by Bumbum and Imee, with a ₱200M Smart TV
👻 Ghostly Dissent: Meermyam Returns
As the launch party was announced, the lights once again flickered in the Palace.
MEERMYAM THE RESURRECTED returned, wearing a “STOP THE SPA” sash and wielding a spiritual audit report.
MEERMYAM:
“Another vanity project?! You said you were dying!”
BUMBUM (shrugging):
“But I lived. And now I want a wellness resort where I can reflect… on how to reflect.”
Lutsina tried to reason with the ghost, offering a VIP detox pass.
LUTSINA:
“It comes with a gold-plated diffuser and silence-proof walls, so Bumbum doesn’t hear budget criticisms.”
MEERMYAM:
“You all need spiritual enema, not steam baths!”
💄 Imeldita’s Wardrobe Malfunction
During the planning meeting, Imeldita Shellshell insisted the spa uniforms be inspired by her 1975 Tokyo Lookbook. The prototype kimono spontaneously combusted under the weight of 72 rhinestones.
IMELDITA:
“It’s haute couture, not fireproof gear. Priorities!”
☕ Imee’s Investment Pitch
Not to be left behind, Imee Mermakmak offered to manage the retreat’s social media, a vlog series titled:
“Sweat, Swindle & Serenity: A Day at BBM’s Island”
She also launched an NFT line of spa towels embroidered with budget codes.
🧘♀️ Senate Reactions
Senator Barkto Dela Resibo called it “another luxury escape funded by stress from Senate hearings.”
Snarli Lutra, meanwhile, announced her own Davao Strong Spa & Gun Range, promising “therapy through target practice.”
🧻 Closing Scene: The Tissue Summit
In a final twist, Bumbum held a televised “Tissue Summit” with tearful testimonials from his staff.
BUMBUM:
“Let this retreat be a symbol—not of extravagance—but of recovery. From flu. From fear. From fiscal scrutiny.”
He dabbed a single tear with a ₱1,000 bill.
The audience stood. Applauded. Coughing was heard—but only from the ghost of accountability.
💬 Coming Next:
“Shellshell’s Secret Vault: What Lies Beneath the Spa?”
Will Meermyam file a ghostly TRO?
Will Lutsina finally take away Bumbum’s remote control?
Will Marty sneak in ₱241B for “essential eucalyptus”?
Stay tuned.
Only here at…
🦦 ResiboRepublic.com – Where Flu and Funds Collide.
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