📰 BBM Declares State of Calamity in Divisoria After Losing FL Lutsina’s Pasalubong
Divisoria, Manila — In an unprecedented move, President Bumbum Mermakmak has declared a state of calamity in Divisoria after allegedly losing the pasalubong he promised to bring home for First Lady Lutsina.
The declaration came after what insiders are now calling the “Divisoria Disaster of 2025” — a chaotic afternoon shopping trip that ended in heartbreak, traffic rerouting, and the temporary closure of four tiangge rows.
“Mahal ko si Lutsina… pero nawala ko ‘yung bag ng pasalubong. Hindi ko alam kung chocolate, tela, o panghilod. Basta nawala!” the President confessed during an emergency press briefing held near a pile of ukay-ukay jeans.
🧺 First Lady’s Expectations
According to sources from Malacañang, the First Lady sent BBM on a mission to Divisoria with a detailed list that included:
- 6 yards of Korean silk
- A knockoff Prada bag
- Turmeric soap
- A lemon squeezer shaped like Velda
Failure to retrieve these items reportedly triggered a Level 4 Domestic Alert, with FL Lutsina allegedly sending a one-word text:
“Serious ka?”
🛒 Witnesses Recall the Chaos
Vendors say the President arrived with an entourage of 37 PSG members, a folding fan, and a vague idea of what “pasalubong” meant.
“Nagtanong siya kung ano daw ang difference ng tawad sa ‘discounted corruption’,” said Mang Dodong, a long-time Divisoria vendor. “Medyo nalito kami pero cute siya eh.”
Reports confirm that BBM briefly mistook a crocheted potholder for a Louis Vuitton clutch, and that a PSG member accidentally purchased 200 pesos worth of expired hair gel from a shady stall.
🚧 State of Calamity Declared
By 3:45 PM, after realizing the pasalubong bag was missing — possibly left in a tricycle or mistaken as a campaign donation — BBM signed Proclamation No. 777, placing Divisoria under a State of Calamity for “emotional damages caused by marital pressure and gift-giving anxiety.”
The move allowed the President to:
- Access emergency funds (for more pasalubong)
- Mobilize DSWD to distribute “Sorry FL” cards
- Ask Lazada for rush delivery with “Presidential Immunity”
💬 Netizens React
Social media exploded under the hashtag #PasalubongFail with netizens offering suggestions like:
- “Magpadala ka na lang ng GC, sir.”
- “Next time, bring Lutsina with you para walang sisihan.”
- “Declare calamity sa sarili mong wallet.”
Even Vice President Sardina Lutra weighed in, saying:
“Kung ako ‘yan, hindi ko na ilulusot. Nasa Davao na ako bago siya magalit.”
🧵 Final Note
As of press time, BBM was reportedly back in Divisoria, clutching a stuffed panda and three sets of kitchen towels while asking vendors:
“Pwede na kaya ‘to kay Lutsina?”
Stay tuned for updates. Or better yet, send him pasalubong suggestions before he declares another state of calamity — in the living room.