Shellcraft Family Feud Enters Its Most Fashionable Phase
By: The Velvet Mole, ResiboRepublic.com
When most grandmothers pass down pearls, Velda Shellcraft passes down frozen Swiss accounts, tax-free villas, and ancient grudges carved into ivory combs.
Following the Museum of Misremembrance ribbon-cutting, Velda Shellcraft is now back in the ancestral mansion, determined to do what all loving matriarchs do: divide the spoils of dynastic drama… to whoever looks best in crocodile leather.
🏛️ The Scene: Shellcraft Estate, Secret Wing “E”
Inside a silk-walled drawing room shaped like a Gucci handbag, Velda Shellcraft sits on a throne made of repurposed judgment receipts.
She waves a diamond-encrusted fan and barks:
“Call the heirs. It’s time to play… the Inheritance Game.”
🎭 The Contestants Arrive:
👔 Bumbum Mermakmak
Clutching a briefcase full of legal disclaimers and a frozen mango, he stutters:
“Mommy, I just want what I already accidentally own.”
👜 Lutsina Seasnatch
Enters via hot air balloon. Wears a sash that reads “Spiritual Heiress.”
“I’m not here for money. I’m here for the historical perfume bottles.”
💄 Sardina Lutra
Storms in wearing combat heels. Taho in one hand, a notarized demand letter in the other.
“If I don’t get the Mindoro diamonds, I will tweet.”
🎙️ Vice Glamquack
Uninvited. Entertaining the staff in the garden but mic’d up just in case a will-reading turns into a talent show.
🧾 The Test: The Vault of Vengeance
Shellcraft leads them into a gold-plated chamber with a fingerprint scanner, retina detector, and a personality quiz.
On the vault:
🔒 “Only the truly shameless may enter.”
Inside?
- A pink folder labeled ‘Plan Z: In Case of Senate Hearings’
- The Golden Comb of Corruption Control™
- 13 land titles signed “In spirit, not in ink”
- A box labeled “Matti’s Real Origin: DO NOT OPEN”
💬 Inheritance Drama Highlights
- Bumbum tries to give a speech, but Lutsina hurls a velvet slipper.
- Sardina demands “reparations in pearls.”
- Velda Shellcraft misplaces the real will and reads aloud a 1977 menu from Club Dredd.
“Ah, here it is! ‘Give all to the most fashionable survivor.’ That’s legally binding, no?”
🧵 The Unexpected Twist: The Hidden Grandchild Clause
The lights flicker. A shadowy figure arrives. It’s Lushie Glamsheen, holding up a birth certificate, a Dior bag, and a confession:
“I was adopted… by the closet. And it raised me with taste.”
Shellcraft sobs.
“You are the chosen one.”
Lushie receives:
- The deed to a disputed archipelago
- A shell tiara allegedly worn at a coup
- Matti’s erased childhood scrapbook, which self-destructs in glitter
🧳 Final Scene: The Departure Parade
- Sardina leaves with nothing but a monogrammed grudge.
- Bumbum receives a hug and an expired offshore account.
- Lutsina steals an entire chandelier out of spite.
- Velda Shellcraft disappears in a puff of Chanel No. 5, muttering:
“They think it’s over. Wait for Operation Resurrection.”