Starring: Imeldita Shellshell 🐚, Bumbum Mermakmak 🧸, Lutsina Seasnatch 🐆, Marty Pawmaldezz 🐾
Location: Subterranean Level 3, Malacanyon Palace
Category: Komiks | Satirical News
By: Team Otterminders
Date: July 18, 2025
It began with a rumble beneath the palace wine cellar.
On what was supposed to be a routine unity brunch, Bumbum Mermakmak felt something odd beneath his Unity Slippers™.
A tremor. A low whirring sound.
Something… mechanical.
And that’s when it happened.
🍾 A bottle of 1986 vintage Chardonnay tilted slightly—revealing a hidden trapdoor under the Palace’s imported marble tiles.
Descending Into Luxury
Dragging along a reluctant Marty Pawmaldezz and a highly suspicious Lutsina Seasnatch, Bumbum insisted:
“It’s probably just old wine storage. Or mom’s secret Lechon Vault.”
Instead, what they found was a subterranean construction zone, lit by gold-leaf chandeliers and air-conditioned by rumors.
At the center: a half-built, fully gilded escalator.
And standing beside it?
None other than Imeldita Shellshell, dressed in a white hardhat and sequined construction boots.
The Golden Confession
Imeldita (arms wide):
“Welcome to Project: Golden Escalator Phase II. A legacy of upward motion. Literally.”
Marty (horrified):
“But… but this wasn’t in the budget!”
Imeldita:
“Exactly. It’s above the budget.”
Lutsina, already livestreaming the scandal to a private group chat of investigators, hissed:
“You rerouted ₱1.2 billion from… post-pandemic resilience funds?!”
Imeldita: “Yes. Because what’s more resilient than gold?”
Defense by Absurdity
Bumbum tried to explain it all away.
“We thought maybe if we had an escalator, we’d elevate public trust.”
Marty (checking his pulse): “We could’ve paved 8,000 roads with that!”
Imeldita: “Roads lead away. Escalators go up. Big difference.”
Security Compromised
At that moment, a clanking sound echoed.
From the shadows emerged a mysterious figure:
Senator MeerKatastrophic, wrapped in a scarf made of old procurement contracts, holding a folder labeled:
“Golden Projects & Ghost Contractors Vol. 3”
MeerKatastrophic:
“I smelled melted gold and suspicious silence.”
Lutsina:
“You’re late. We’re already three steps into denial.”
Projected Purpose
Bumbum fumbled for a justification.
He found a dusty blueprint titled:
“Malacottage Flood Evacuation Escalator – For Elites Only”
Bumbum: “In case of a Category 5 flood, we rise.”
Lutsina: “While the rest of the country sinks?”
Marty, now fully pale:
“I’m resigning again.”
🎬 Final Scene: A Lift to Nowhere
The escalator, humming ominously, moved one step.
Then stopped.
Then emitted a whiny beep that sounded suspiciously like the word “COA.”
Imeldita blew a kiss to the group.
“Well, at least it’s still more useful than half the infrastructure projects launched this year.”
🧾 Resibo Notes:
- Marty now uses stairs exclusively and has recurring nightmares about “moving platforms of doom.”
- Lutsina submitted a formal complaint to the Anti-Gilding Commission.
- The Golden Escalator remains 87% unfinished, but 100% Instagrammable.
Filed under: #GoldenGrift #ShellshellUnderground #MalacanyonMobilityScandal
📆 July 18, 2025
🖋️ By Staff ResiboRepublic.com