Where missing billions meet mystical cold weather and dramatic coats
đź“ŤBaguio City, Resibo Republic
By Resibo Republic Staff
Published: July 14, 2025
🌲 Scene 1: The Cold Conclave
Deep in the foggy Pines of Baguio, President Bumbum Mermakmak summoned his top officials to a closed-door Budget Integrity Retreat.
Location:
An overpriced log cabin resort with chandeliers, 24/7 fog machine, and ₱18,000-a-night “cozy silence” fee.
Bumbum (huddled in thermal barong):
“This cold is as chilling as the COA audit.”
Present:
- Matti Pawmaldezz, Budget Keeper and Scarf Model
- Sardina Lutra, VP of Snacks and Strategic Silence
- Velda Shellcraft, Grandmistress of Legacy and Heels
- Surprise guest: Senator Harry Roque, freshly airlifted from exile
🔥 Scene 2: The Witch Hunt Begins
Mattistood at the fireplace, dramatically tossing ₱241B worth of “budget insertions” into the flames — figuratively, of course. The documents were too thick to burn, even symbolically.
Matti (whispering):
“They’re not insertions. They’re creative fiscal flourishes.”
Sardina sipped taho and glared.
Velda examined Marty’s scarf and muttered, “Tacky. Looks like a Senate hearing.”
Suddenly, the lights flickered.
A whistleblower from COA entered, holding a glowing USB labeled:
🧾 “The Real 2026 Budget Draft: Witch Version”
🧙 Scene 3: The Resibo Ritual
A ritualistic fire circle formed.
A goat (for symbolic reasons) bleated.
The USB was inserted into the sacred laptop (a MacBook with golden trim).
The screen lit up with:
- ₱3B for “Grassroots Vampire Repellent Programs”
- ₱700M for “Executive Wellness” (all for imported essential oils)
- ₱1.2B tagged as “Teleportation Infrastructure Feasibility Studies”
Harry Roque (pointing at screen):
“Even Hogwarts doesn’t spend this much!”
🧹 Scene 4: Baguio Witch Trials
Bumbum, suddenly gripped with presidential inspiration, held a mock broom trial:
Each cabinet member was asked:
“Do you fly at night… over the people’s budget?”
Sardina Lutra:
“Only when necessary.”
Matti Pawmaldezz:
“I levitate… for transparency.”
Velda Shelcraft:
“I have never flown economy in my life.”
❄️ Scene 5: Meltdown on the Hill
Suddenly, a blizzard hit (just heavy fog, but dramatic music played).
Sardina accused Velda of hiding budget spells in her heels.
Matti claimed Snarli replaced DOH funds with siopao.
Bumbum slipped on a pine cone and declared:
“From now on, we budget with prayers, not insertions.”
Harry Roque tried to livestream the chaos, but the WiFi was intercepted by ghosts of previous appropriations.
🎠Epilogue: No One Was Burned at the Stake
They all returned to Manila the next day — frostbitten, fashionably shaken, and still full of secrets.
COA Statement:
“We still don’t know where the ₱241B went, but at least it had a scenic view.”
🗣️ Public Reactions:
“Is this a budget meeting or a Netflix drama?” — Igorot vendor
“Did they summon receipts or demons?” — Resibo WitchTok
“Teleportation?! We still don’t have working escalators!” — BPO worker from Makati
đź”® Coming Soon on ResiboRepublic.com:
- “The Closet of National Concern” – A peek into Veldas fashion-laced budget files.
- “Hello Garci: The Audio Files” – A full jukebox drama of electoral déjà vu.
- “The Budget Opera” – Musical mayhem inside the halls of Congress.
📬 Got a tip or talisman to expose?
Email: editor@resiborepublic.com
Tag: @ResiboRepublicPH
Only on… ResiboRepublic.com — where satire reveals what audits cannot. 🧾✨