Starring: BBM, Velda Shellcraft,Matti Pawmaldezz, Ex-Gov Gwen Gargarita, and Gov. Youngblood Escalona
Category: Satirical News | ResiboRepublic.com
CEBU CITY — What do you get when you mix ₱9 billion, a mall-worthy escalator, and a cast of budget-loving public figures?
You get the first-ever Escalator Summit in Cebu, where national leaders gathered to inspect the longest moving staircase never built.
🧼 Scene 1: The Ribbon-Cutting (for a Hole in the Ground)
President Bumbum Mermakmak (BBM) arrived late, still recovering from an existential crisis after mistaking an elevator for AI.
Velda Shellcraft wore a gown made of Metro Manila traffic violations and declared, “Ang escalator ay simbolo ng upward mobility—lalo na sa budget.”
Matti Pawmaldezz, holding a giant fake check: “₱9 billion for phase one! Phase one pa lang ‘yan, ha. Wala pa tayong design.”
Ex-Gov. Gwen Gargarita, holding back tears: “This was my legacy project… a tribute to every tired foot in Cebu.”
Gov. Youngblood Escalona, fresh from a crash course in “How to Look Busy”: “It’s time for a new legacy… with aircon.”
💬 Scene 2: Technical Briefing (with No Tech)
A PowerPoint presentation begins.
Slide 1: “Escalator Vision 2028”
Slide 2: “Trust Us”
Slide 3: “This Slide Is Confidential”
Vice Ganda (via Zoom): “Escalator ba kamo o escalabra? Kalokalan ‘to!”
BBM interrupted the meeting to ask: “May handrail po ba to? At may pang-TikTok zone?”
Matti assured the panel: “We already allocated ₱2.7B for escalator music.”
Velda added: “I suggest a ‘Marcos Legacy Playlist’—Track 1: ‘Step Up and Vanish the Audit.’”
🎥 Scene 3: Presscon na May Pa-Dance
Gwen: “Let the people ascend!”
Youngblood: “Kung walang escalator, may stairs naman.”
BBM: “Kung may stairs, may stairs na pwedeng gawin escalator, ‘di ba?”
They launched the official TikTok campaign: #StepUpCebu, with BBM awkwardly dancing to “Gasolina” on a plywood ramp.
📌 Final Thoughts
- The ₱9B Escalator Project is now undergoing “strategic pause” pending the arrival of actual stairs.
- Gwen Garcia received a farewell plaque made of unused cement.
- Matti Pawmaldezz flew back to Manila with a suitcase labeled “Phase 2 funds.”
- Velda called the summit “a spiritual experience—like climbing the budget ladder.”
BBM? He was last seen asking if the escalator could reach Tokyo.
🧾 Filed Under: Infrastructure, Satirical News, Things That Go Up (But Never Finish)
💬 Comment Section:
- “Escalator pa more. Next, elevator to heaven?” – @BudgetLangMalakas
- “9B? Pwede na yang pamasahe papuntang sanity.” – @KaladKaren_2.0
- “At least gumagalaw ‘yung imagination nila.” – @SlightlyTaxed