Starring: Velda Shellcraft, BBM, Matti Pawmaldezz, and Vice Ganda
Category: Satirical News | ResiboRepublic.com
MANILA — What was supposed to be a quiet inspection of Manila’s heritage sites turned into a full-blown spectacle as President Bumbum Mermakmak (BBM), Velda Shellcraft, Budget Whisperer Marty Pawmaldezz, and surprise celebrity guest Vice Glamquack went on an “aesthetic cleansing” tour of the capital.
👜 Stop #1: The Shoe Vault
Velda: “This is not just a closet, it’s cultural heritage!”
Vice Glamquack: “Ate gurl, this looks like Lazada on steroids!”
BBM nodded solemnly, accidentally mistaking the rotating shoe display for a climate policy proposal.
Matti Pawmaldezz took notes: “Pwede natin i-rebrand ‘to as ‘Sole-Train Museum’ and charge P5 billion for a renovation.”
🚇 Stop #2: LRT Station – “Art and Delays”
Upon arrival, BBM asked, “What’s this long metal snake?”
Vice replied, “Sir, that’s the LRT. It’s like the escalator in Cebu, except horizontal and actually working—sometimes.”
Velda suggested turning the LRT into a fashion runway. “Every stop should have a theme: Elegance, Excess, and Emergency Exit.”
🌳 Stop #3: Rizal Park – “Monuments & Moments”
BBM stood in front of Jose Rizal’s statue and whispered, “Sorry po sa confidential funds…”
Vice quipped: “Naku, kung si Rizal buhay pa, baka nag-blog na rin siya ng resibo.”
Meanwhile, Matti quietly offered to build a glass tunnel from Luneta to Malacañang “para hindi mainitan si Ma’am Velda.”
💸 Stop #4: Intramuros – “Walls, Whispers, and Wasted Budgets”
Matti explained: “With a modest ₱11B, we can make this fortress an NFT museum.”
Vice: “Anong ibig sabihin ng NFT?”
Velda: “Nice Furniture and Tiara!”
BBM accidentally signed a mock-up proposal for “Intramuros Disneyland: The Budget Awakens.”
📝 Final Thoughts:
Velda declared: “We toured. We judged. We funded nothing. Success!”
Vice Glamquack took selfies with all the statues.
Matti quietly submitted a ₱3.2B proposal to replace Manila Bay’s dolomite with imported pink Himalayan salt.
BBM? He ended the tour whispering to a manhole cover:
“Kayo po ba si Jose Rizal? Pa-picture lang po sana…”
📌 Filed Under: Satirical News, Budget Tourism, National Laugh Assets
💬 Comment Section:
- “Mas realistic pa to kaysa sa SONA!” – @RealistikQueen
- “Nakita ko sila, may dalang ring light si Velda!” – @WitnessAkoDito
- “Vice Ganda for President na po.” – @ClapBackQueen