BOCAUE, BULACAN — What started as a humble river procession turned into a full-on political pageant as President Bumbum Mermakmak, VP Sardi Lutra, First Lady Lutsina Seasnatch, and surprise guests Velda Shellcraft and Vice Glamquack showed up at the Bocaue Pagoda Festival—complete with coordinated outfits, camera crews, and what appeared to be tactical glam squads.
Because nothing says religious devotion like matching Gucci shades and a helicopter entrance.
🚤 The Arrival: Presidential Float or Movie Shoot?
Locals barely had time to toss flowers into the river before a low-flying chopper announced the presidential entourage. Out came BBM, Sardi and Lutsi greeted by cheers, screams, and one confused vendor who shouted:
“Ay si Imeldaita ba ‘yan? Buhay pa pala siya!”
Velda Shellcraft, draped in a recycled butterfly terno made from actual butterfly wings (allegedly sourced from a museum), waved like it was 1986.
“I’ve always loved festivals… especially the ones where people carry me,” she said from her private pagoda throne.
🧋 Sardina and the Floating Taho Moment (Again?!)
VP Sardina Lutra, still on her taho arc, was spotted drinking taho mid-procession, this time on a floating bamboo raft decorated with fake gold.
“Walang ulan, walang lindol… pero may taho pa rin,” she declared.
Security was tight—not because of the president, but because Vice Glamquack was performing impromptu stand-up about budget insertions on a side raft, drawing a huge crowd that accidentally blocked the actual fluvial route.
🎤 Vice Glamquack Steals the Show (Again)
Wearing a custom Barong made entirely of fishnet and sequins, Vice shouted:
“Mga kababayan, welcome to the Annual Political Float Parade! Hindi ito fluvial—ito ay FISCAL!”
He then pointed at BBM’s float and said:
“Ayan o, ₱241B worth of smiles. Walang kuryente pero may konfetti!”
The audience roared. BBM smiled nervously. Matti Pawmaldezz was nowhere in sight.
💡 Imeldita’s Prayer… and Pitch
As the prayer portion began, Velda asked the crowd to bow their heads.
But instead of a prayer, she whispered into the mic:
“Sana maipasa na ang Museum of Shoes and Presidential Insertions Act of 2025…”
Lutsina quickly grabbed the mic and redirected the program to “cultural unity,” while BBM nodded and took another selfie with a gold-plated suman.
📸 Netizen Reactions
The Bocaue spectacle didn’t disappoint:
- “I thought it was a fiesta. Turned out it was a fashion show + campaign teaser.”
- “BBM looked confused but hydrated. Lutsina served First Lady realness. Sardina? Just here for the taho.”
- “Vice should run for Senate. Or at least mayor of Bocaue.”
🎭 Final Float: Insertions and Revelations
As the final float passed, it was rumored to contain symbolic “offerings”—a giant ₱241B paper mache resibo, a floating taho tower, and a rotating shrine of Velda’s old wigs.
The festival ended with fireworks, coordinated dance numbers from select DepEd employees, and one final shout from Vice Glamquack:
“This is not a drill. This is a dynasty concert tour!”
📝 The Resibo Republic Take:
- BBM = confused but festive
- Sardina= taho-powered and float-ready
- Lutsina= beauty queen turned crowd control
- Velda = eternal
- Vice Glamquack= constitutional clown and national truth bomb
In Bocaue, the waters run deep—but the political theater floats even deeper.
Disclaimer: This satire is based on real public personalities and imaginary events. No taho was harmed. But the truth? Always floating nearby.
For more float-worthy facts and budgetary bloopers, sail with us at ResiboRepublic.com 🚤🧾