Tokyo, Japan — In what was officially labeled as a “strategic diplomatic trip,” President Bumbum Mermakmak, VPSardina, and FL Lutsina landed in Japan this week—armed with vague itineraries, luxury luggage, and questionable priorities.
While Malacañang insists the trip was all about strengthening PH-Japan relations, insiders say the only real strengthening that happened was at Lutsina’s credit limit and Sardina’s sword collection.
🧳 Lutsina’s 42-Piece Luggage Diplomacy
Witnesses at Narita Airport report that First Lady Lutsina arrived with no less than 42 pieces of designer luggage. Baggage handlers had to call for reinforcements.
A Japanese customs officer was overheard asking, “Is she relocating?” to which an aide replied, “No po. She just shops with commitment.”
Sources close to the delegation say one suitcase was dedicated solely to jade rollers and imported toners. Another was labeled “for ceramics and emotional baggage.”
🍣 BBM’s Sushi Statecraft
President Mermakmak, donning a ceremonial kimono “for cultural appreciation,” declared during a short press briefing:
“We are here to discuss economic recovery, trade, tourism… and ramen.”
He reportedly fell asleep halfway through the state dinner, waking up just in time for dessert. When asked about signed agreements, a Palace spokesperson mumbled something about “potential sushi diplomacy” and “future plans to study bullet trains… when we’re ready.”
🥷 Sardina in Samurai Mode
VP Sardina arrived wearing a modernized samurai outfit—complete with a katana-shaped umbrella and boots described by fashion critics as “Battle-Ready Barbie.” She later told reporters:
“I’m here to understand the discipline of the Bushido code and apply it to national budget cuts.”
But by Day 2, she was spotted riding a bullet train to Akihabara, holding a giant Hello Kitty plushie and yelling, “Walang traffic! Luh, Davao what?”
🛍️ The Itinerary (According to Leaked Resibo)
ResiboRepublic obtained a leaked copy of the itinerary, which raised more questions than answers:
| Day | Event Description | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | “Economic Forum” in Ginza | Forum = shopping mall |
| 2 | Cultural Exchange at Spa | Foot massage diplomacy |
| 3 | Security Briefing at Disneyland | BBM wore Mickey ears |
| 4 | Lutsina’s “solo delegation” to Louis Vuitton | Budget unknown |
| 5 | Return flight delayed | Sardina refused to leave her robot dog |
A Palace source admitted the delegation did “not sign any agreements” but emphasized that “they experienced real personal growth.”
💬 Public Reactions
Filipino netizens had mixed-to-sarcastic responses:
- “Important mission daw. Saan banda?”
- “Wala bang pasalubong na resibo?”
- “Budget hearing dapat, hindi Hermès hunting.”
- “Japan got a state visit. We got ghosted.”
🧾 Final Tally: Zero Deals, 14 New Outfits
As of publishing, BBM’s team maintains that the trip was a success. Lutsina’s stylists say they are working on a “Tokyo capsule collection.” VP Sardina has reportedly enrolled in an online kendo class.
No trade agreements were signed, but the team did bring home 17 shopping bags, 3 facial rollers, and a questionable samurai sword labeled “For Office Use Only.”
Disclaimer: This is a satirical news article. Names, events, and baggage sizes are exaggerated for comedic purposes—but if this somehow feels too realistic, well… that’s on them, not us.
📍Only in the Philippines. Only on ResiboRepublic.com.